Doorknob

He has the most peculiar nose. It's really long, but it doesn't grow straight forward, it bends over to the right. His skin colour is very nice though, a sort of burnished coppery gold. 

He's not very young, probably as old as his house, and the years that have passed have left their marks on him, dulling his radiant complexion, but he insists to remain useful to others despite his age. 

He may seem cold at first, but once you get a firm grasp on him, he'll warm up to you quickly. He doesn't talk much, as if he's got a lock on his mouth, but his funny little nose can twist up and down, and that always makes me chuckle a little, so he's quite a pleasant man to be around.

Who is this "he" I'm talking about?

My Doorknob.

Shower

I stood there, every muscle in my body rigid, almost snapping under the tension. 

I could hear the blood pounding in my ears. 

Every drop of water falling sounded like a meteor hitting the ground. 

Every second felt like eternity. 

I took a deep breath. I knew I couldn't stay there forever. 

It was a risky move, and I knew that one small mistake could mean death, but there was no choice. It's now or never, I told myself. 

Screwing my eyes shut, in a flurry of movement I simultaneously pressed the off button and literally vaulted out of the tub into my towel. 

Bracing myself and gathering my courage, I did it.

I got out of the shower.

(P.S. Only people suffering from the freezing cold weather will understand this. My dear Malaysian family and friends, you can stop scratching your head.)

Tinted Glasses

I wish i could see myself from outside myself, to see what i look like from other people's eyes. But then, I would still be me, and I would judge me based on my own biases, which won't help. 

To truly know what other people think of me when they see me, I would need to see not just through their eyes, but through their minds: through their beliefs,biases,principles,experiences and standards. 

Only then I can truly know what they see when they see me. 

It's a scary thought at times, and makes me want to hide, because I fear what they may see. But then again, God sees me always, and sees me as I am. That can be the scariest thought of all, and could be the best thought of all. 

Lonely Imaginations

I always thank my imagination for keeping me company when I'm travelling alone. It makes even the mundane feel magical.

Going through a long dark tunnel in a train makes me feel like I'm floating in the darkness of outer space heading towards an unknown galaxy, like in Miyazawa's book "Night on the Galactic Railroad".

Being the only one awake in a bus (along with the driver, I hope :P) while everyone is asleep reminds me of a scene in an anime I once saw where an entire city fell asleep and only the heroes were awake fighting the enemy, and makes me feel like one of the heroes.

Watching the scenery go by while listening to the soundtrack song from a drama I love brings back my favourite scenes in my head, like my own personal TV running in my mind, putting a smile on my lips.

So as Kelly Clarkson's song says, "Doesn't mean I'm lonely when I'm alone"

On another note about loneliness:

Why do people get lonely? Because there is someone whose company they love and yearn for more than their own company. If there is no such person, then you don't get lonely. Theoretically speaking.

“Nobody likes being alone that much. I don't go out of my way to make friends, that's all. It just leads to disappointment. ”
― Haruki Murakami (one of my favourite authors) in Norwegian Wood

mile emoticon

Reflection turns to Shadow

Today I was your mirror. I was the reflection of everything you did. 
We left our houses, locked the door.
You jangled your keys, and I put mine in my pocket. 
You took out your white earphones, I took out my black ones. 
We put them on at the same time, 
and when we noticed our 'reflections' 
of each other 
on the opposite sides of the street,
we glanced at each other. 

You dropped your pen, we both stopped.
You picked it up and looked at me again, 
then continued walking. 
I let you walk in front of me, slightly embarrassed. 

Now I became your shadow. 
You ran across the road to catch the green light, 
I ran close behind your heels. 
You walked swiftly, but glanced back 
and saw me still behind you. 
Did you notice me becoming your shadow? 

We walked all the way to the same building, 
such a coincidence that I couldn't believe it. 
And then we went our separate ways. 

For 10 minutes of my life, 
I was aware of your existence, 
and you existed in my thoughts, 
and you mattered to me. 

Was it the same for you, Mr Stranger?

Not strangers, yet we walked alone

I didn't run to catch up to you. You didn't stop and wait for me to catch up to you. And so we both walked apart from each other, one ahead, one behind, silently. Even though we were walking the same way, towards the same destination, we walked alone. Was it my fault? was it yours? Or were both of us at fault? I don't know. All I know was that there were two of us, and we were not strangers, yet we walked alone.

Note to My Future Self #3

Note to My Future Self #3

Feb 2013: Joie de Vivre

I love people who work earnestly towards something they love, and live life honestly and eagerly. They truly personify the phrase "joie de vivre". Full of life, vitality and optimism. Always putting their 100% into everything they do. Despite any hardships or obstacles, they forge forward with determination and passion, and remain hopeful in the most desperate situations. Their persistence and strength inspire people around them, and those people then turn into their supporting pillars, and they change those people's lives for the better. People may find my love for anime childish, but one of the main reasons I love anime is that the main characters are often people like the ones I just described: people full of "joie de vivre". And someday, I hope to be one too. Someday, inshaAllah.