Yes, I'm smart. Deal with it.

“You’re so smart, I feel inferior to you/intimidated by you.”

“Oh no no, I’m not that smart. I’m lazy, I’ve failed a few times, bla bla bla (insert more humbling, putting self down nonsense)”

Guess which one in this conversation is the girl?

If I had a pound/ringgit for every time someone said the first line to me, I’d be able to buy a mansion by now. And if I had to pay a pound/ringgit for every time I said the second line, I’d be broke again.  

I am not the only one though. Almost every accomplished woman I know has had this conversation multiple times, and it is a sad reflection of the kind of misogynistic culture we’ve been brought up in.

Every time a guy says that he feels inferior or intimidated because of my intelligence or accomplishments, I’ve always automatically defaulted to putting myself down, listing all my flaws to the point of dumbing myself down to make sure the guy’s ego is soothed and to make myself appear more “approachable”. Why? Because we’re brought up in a culture where women aren’t supposed to be smarter than guys, and should never overshadow men. It wasn’t very long ago that mothers were telling their daughters not to study too hard or be too successful lest it hurt their chances at marriage. 

That has changed a lot today, but unfortunately the male ego hasn’t. The phenomena of young, single successful women struggling to find partners is largely due to the inability of men to accept that women are outstripping them in almost every aspect, and instead of stepping up to the plate to be equal and worthy of these powerful women, many guys are instead asking them to slow down and pretend to be lesser than their real selves. 

It has got to stop.

Ladies, stop apologizing for being amazing. Stop putting yourself down for a guy’s approval. You are smart, strong, successful and capable. No one can take that away from you, and you should never let anyone make you feel that it’s wrong to go get what you want.  The guys are the ones who should be keeping up with you. 

Guys, if you want to be with someone who is intelligent, independent and accomplished, then you should work hard to be equally intelligent, independent and accomplished. 

Step up your game, boys.

So next time I hear that all too familiar line, I’m going to say: “Yes, I’m smart. So if you feel inferior, that is your problem. Deal with it." 

Professionalism is Dead?

Sometimes I think the whole idea of working a job you love or having a career in something you’re passionate about, is overrated.

Yes, Confucius did say that if you do what you love, then you never work a day in your life. I get that, and I obviously want to be in a career that I love doing, that I am passionate about and that I believe in.

But not everyone has that privilege, and a privilege it certainly is. They say our generation is so entitled, that we think we deserve so much but don’t want to put in the effort that our forefathers did. And to a certain extent, I perfectly agree. My parents’ generation did not have the luxury of picking and choosing whatever careers they wanted; they got a job that was stable and paid them enough to make ends meet and bring up a family. It didn’t matter whether they liked the job or not, they just did it, because it was expected of them, it was their duty.

Back then, I doubt people went through gazillions of career personality quizzes or career counseling to find “the perfect job”, all they wanted was to be gainfully employed and to put food on the table. It was a much simpler and harsher time. And many young people around the world still very much face that reality, of trying to find whatever job possible to survive, who don’t have the luxury that I and many of my friends have of cherry-picking our degree, then sifting through company profiles and job-hopping to find the “right fit” for us.

Honestly speaking, I completely understand why the older generation calls us spoiled brats. We don’t know how good we’ve got it. We constantly complain about how the job we’re doing isn’t our calling, how our colleagues or bosses just don’t get how we work, how we want to just chase our dreams and this job is just a stopgap to tide us over, how our other friend in that other company is earning so much more, how we can’t wait to quit and move on. 

The reality is, at the age of 17-18, you don’t really know what degree or career you want to do. You don’t even know who you are yet.  

In your twenties, you may find your calling, but you may not. Even if you know exactly what you want to do, chances are, you’ll have to slog along doing things you don’t really want to do, and slowly climb to the top to get where you want to go. If you’re like me, then you still have no idea what’s the “perfect job” for you, and you’re just going with the flow till you (hopefully) find it.

A survey in 2016 in Asia found up to 60% of millennials, especially those aged 25-34, are constantly seeking another job even if they’re employed.  Job hoppers also tend to have the lowest job satisfaction too. And so, we are constantly dissatisfied with our working life. To make matters worse, we also make it a point to make everyone else aware how dissatisfied we are, from our colleagues, our superiors, to the random stranger who had the misfortune of having to conduct business with us. 

Since we hate our jobs, we’re going to put minimal effort into it, and honestly we don’t care how well we do, as long as we don’ get scolded by the boss and we get our pay at the end of the month.  In a lot of government offices, the 10 or 11am migration to the coffee shop for teh tarik and kopi ping is a common sight. Chatting and gossiping in office during work hours to the point of causing work to slide is also part of the norm. Who cares, we still get paid right?

This is a huge problem with our mindset.

Remember what I said earlier about the older generation? They had something I think we have lost as a generation, which is pride in their work, regardless of whether they loved their job or not. The two key characteristics that make a good employee, at least in my eye, is professionalism and pride in their work. From the humblest of jobs to the most high powered ones, having these two characteristics would distinguish a crappy worker from a valuable employee.

Let’s say, you’re a waiter/waitress at a fast food restaurant. You do not want this job, nor is it a long term career plan for you. You hate the hours, your colleagues are okay but not that great, and the customers get on your nerves too. So you take it out on them. You don’t make eye contact, you can’t even be bothered to say thank you or smile at anyone. You’re rude and moody because, hey, it’s making you miserable so let’s make everyone else miserable too! 

At the end of the day, you still get your pay, whether you were nice or not. We’ve all had crappy service from staff like that, and we all hate them for it, yet we probably do the same thing. Contrast that with someone who is professional and has pride in their work. You’d smile and say welcome to each customer, say “have a nice day” at the end of each encounter, and even the rudest customer would not budge your professional demeanor. 

Still polite with their "Sir and Ma'am" even when they want to kill you. That's a true professional.

All simply because it is your job, you are getting paid to do it. So you’re going to do it to the best of your ability, even if you don’t like the actual job. By signing up as an employee, this is what you agreed to do, whether you realize it or not.  This is what you SHOULD be doing, as part of your job description. 

Does it have anything to do with job satisfaction, or your wages, or how crappy your boss is? Nope. If you do subpar work, do you think the customer/client sees all the background stuff that’s supposedly contributing to your poor work performance? Nope.  All they see is a person who is not good at their job, and at the end of the day that is your reputation going down the drain. And this pride in your work, and the awareness that your ability is best judged by your actions and the results you produce, is what makes an excellent worker. Actually, it’s what makes an excellent person, whether at work or in personal life. So do it not for the praises or the money, but for the satisfaction of a job well done. (Like Saitama in One Punch Man :P)

Why I'm scared to go back to my own country to be a doctor

[WARNING: RANT BLOG POST]

As many of you know, I have passed my finals in medical school after 5 long years, and in July this year inshaAllah (God willing) I will be graduating with my medical degree. Hurrah! Now all should be rainbows and unicorns as I enter my brilliantly glowing career as a doctor right?




As a scholar from a certain government's department, I am bound by contract to return to my country after graduating to serve the government as a doctor for 10 years. That in itself is not a problem. I love my country, I miss it and would love to return and serve my people.

The problem is: everyone else back home keep telling me NOT TO COME BACK.



And by everyone else, I mean everyone. But most importantly, doctors who are in the early two years of training just after graduating medical school, which in Malaysia is called housemanship training (in the UK they call it the Foundation years). These housemen (HOs) are all my seniors and friends, and I value and trust their opinions. So when they tell me I'm better off staying in the UK, I'm obviously worried by this. Some of them were previously medical students trained in the UK or Ireland, others did their degree in Malaysia, but all agreed the working conditions as a HO in Malaysia is bad enough that they are actively encouraging me to abandon ship.

This is old news to you, if you're Malaysian and you are/know a doctor, or even if you just read the news/FB enough. They work extremely long hours and very few breaks (sometimes 24-25 hour shifts), they get bullied/insulted/humiliated by their senior colleagues publicly, and they get villified by patients who don't want to be the "guinea pigs" for these "inexperienced" doctors to "experiment" on.

Contrast that with the more humane working hours here (the longest shift I've seen is 13 hours) thanks to the European Working Hours Directive, no bullying culture, and patients who are always willing to let even medical students practice on them and saying "well you've got to learn". I can definitely see why staying in the UK seems like an obvious decision.

But what I don't understand is: WHY IS NO ONE DOING ANYTHING ABOUT IT IN MALAYSIA?


Everyone knows these conditions are not fair, not safe for both doctors and patients, and not conducive to attracting talented doctors to train in Malaysia and retain them in training. Everyone complains and rants about it. This has been going on for as long as I can remember (which due to my crap memory, is till high school).

But nothing's changed. Sure, they said they've made some changes ( read this Press Statement by the DG of Health:  https://kpkesihatan.com/2016/03/09/press-statement-dg-of-health-9-march-2016-strengthening-the-housemanship-training-programme/ ) but on the ground, it seems it is not enough.

Before I move on, note that this is a rant piece, where I am using this medium to just pour out my frustrations. However, if you have any advice or opinions, or know of any improvements in these issues, or if any of my information is incorrect, please comment or contact me to let me know.

Ok, here goes the rant:

1. Working hours

According to the Modified Flexi system introduced in 2013, HOs are expected to work 65-75 hours per week. However from the people I have spoken to working in different states, often they work longer hours than these. The problem is not just the total hours, but the length of each shift. If doctors are working 24 hour shifts, this is obviously not safe for patient care, nor for the doctors' wellbeing.

In what other high risk jobs would you get people working 24 hour shifts? Would you let a pilot who hasn't slept in 24 hours fly a plane, especially if they've been working those shifts for the past 3 days? But you'd let a doctor who hasn't gone home or had a good sleep for a whole day hold people's lives in their hand. Where's the logic in that?

And do not tell me: Oh but the older generation did that, and they were fine, doctors now are just pampered spoiled brats.

My mum used to walk to school for miles, sometimes barefoot. Did she expect me to do the same? Would anyone expect me to do the same? NO. There was a time people used to perform surgery and circumcisions without anaesthetics, would you like doctors to do that now? Obviously not. The older generation didn't have a choice, there were fewer doctors back then. We have a choice now.

The reason we strive for change and advancement is for our children and future generations to enjoy what we did not have, for them to enjoy a better quality of life. Why is it different then for doctors? Isn't the reason we try to send so many students on medical scholarships because we want more doctors, to improve the ratio of doctors to patients so we can improve medical care? Then why, despite INCREASING numbers of doctors graduating each year (apparently too many medical students) why are the working hours not improving? Surely we should be striving to maintain a workforce that is large enough to maintain humane working hours and yet still achieve quality patient care? And yet they complain we have too many graduates and not enough jobs to go around. Pah.

Reason #2 I keep hearing about why we need these ridiculous hours is: they need to work loads to gain enough experience.

Excuse me, that is NOT a valid reason. Yes, as is with all skilled occupations, practice makes perfect. The more hours worked, the more experience gained. That does not equal working people to beyond their limits, and beyond their rights to having a life outside work. The hours you need are naturally accumulated over years as you progress in your training. Those hours do not need to be accumulated in crazy marathon shifts, where you gain experience but you lose concentration and motivation (and lose having a LIFE). The experience gained should be in safe increments, and cannot be justified by doctors losing their passion and burning out, and patients suffering from errors due to fatigued doctors.

2. Bullying culture

It completely escapes me why this is even still around. Not just in any profession, but among doctors? It seems so absurd it's almost laughable. When I explain this culture to my non-Malaysian friends, they seem astounded by it, like it doesn't even make sense. And it really doesn't, considering doctors are supposed to be intelligent, compassionate and professional people.

Even medical students doing electives in hospitals have seen this, and my HO friends have sadly experienced it too. When your seniors who are the ones supposed to guide you and support you in your training, the ones you're supposed to turn to when you're lost, are the ones insulting and humiliating you in front of patients, tearing your confidence and patients' trust in you into pieces, how are you supposed to grow?  I'm not saying there aren't any mean or harsh seniors in the UK, but I personally have never seen or heard it being done in front of patients. It is simply unprofessional to act like that, there are proper ways and adab of correcting or criticizing someone's weakness or mistakes. In Islam, our religion teaches us that humiliating or revealing someone's weakness in public is not acceptable, that you should always try and protect someone's honor and dignity. Don't even get me started on doctors who actually physically lay a hand (or a book) on their juniors. Even if it's a light smack and doesn't hurt physically, it is absolutely unacceptable! They are not your children to hit or scold like little kids, they are your grown up colleagues, and should be treated as such.

And whenever someone says that "oh we went through the same thing, so we're just teaching them the way we were taught, it'll make them tough", THAT JUST GETS ME SO MAD. If you went through such horrible times, why on earth would you want to inflict that on someone else?

As a person who chose to go into a career of saving lives and should be caring in nature, why would you choose to make someone else suffer when you have the choice of making it better and easier for them?  It's the same thing as how our parents work hard to give us what they didn't have growing up, so should senior doctors be as nurturing and supportive to junior doctors to provide them with what they didn't have when they were training. It's repulsive how some people think just because they had a hard time, the juniors should suffer the same way too. That kind of mindset leads to stagnation and repressive working conditions, when we should be aiming for progress and development.

It's a sad situation when my friends at home are telling me to stay away, while my Singaporean friend has her seniors telling her confidently to come back home, that they've got better pay and conditions than the UK. Here in the UK this week, junior doctors are doing a full walkout strike for two days in protest of a new contract that will change Saturdays into normal hours (instead of antisocial hours with its accompanying premium pay) and also will stretch the workforce thinner to create a so-called "7 day service".  In Malaysia, junior doctors have been labouring under even worse conditions, but no significant improvements have been made, and policymakers have not even involved HOs in their negotiations and discussions.

I'm not saying doctors in Malaysia should go on a full walkout strike too (perhaps eventually :P), but it's time that something more concrete is done at the level of policymaking (and implementation), and this time it should be decisions made with the junior doctors, as well as integrating the ideas and solutions from those directly impacted: the HOs themselves.

It's time for doctors to save themselves now. 

P.S I'm really hoping for loads of heartwarming stories where people have had nice experiences being a doctor, but that doesn't mean the ugly stories aren't there too. Also, please please do let me know if it really isn't this bad or there has been loads of improvements but I'm just ignorant about it. I have never worked in Malaysia yet, so fellow Malaysians please share your stories with me.

[ Disclaimer: I have never worked/trained in Malaysia, everything here is based on what my trusted friends/seniors have told me. Thus they are technically hearsay/stories/personal experiences, and I know they may not be representative of everyone. However, they are from my trusted sources and they are experiences that I believe no one should have, hence the rant.]



Oh yeah I post. Long ranting posts.

The Magic of Ghibli and the Tortured Genius

If you know me, you'd know than I am a major anime fan. And of course, a major Ghibli fan. For those of you who don't know (gasp!) Studio Ghibli is an animation studio that have released countless animation films that have won accolades and hearts all over the world, and their biggest star is director, Miyazaki Hayao. If you have never watched a Ghibli movie or assume that animation films are only for kids, you are losing out on a magical world that will make such a deep impact on you. Give it a try, and I'd suggest either Spirited Away or My Neighbour Totoro as a start.

Anywhooo, I just watch a documentary about Miyazaki Hayao, focusing on him and Studio Ghibli as he makes his final feature film, The Wind Rises. It's a very special sneak peek into the mind of a creative genius whom one could say is the greatest living animator, and into the process that goes into a Ghibli film. This documentary, called The Kingdom of Dreams and Madness, is a work of art on it's own.

As one review put it: "it’s an emotional gut punch on par with anything from the director himself. The Kingdom of Dreams and Madness should be considered essential viewing for any Studio Ghibli fan, for whom it will stand alone as a captivating work in its own right."

 I'm not going to talk much about the documentary, as it is best enjoyed by watching it. But I am going to share some thoughts that Miyazaki shared, which have struck a deep chord within me.

"We're born with infinite possibilities, only to give up on one after another. To choose one thing means to give up on another. That's inevitable. But what can you do? That's what it is to live."

I think a lot of dilemmas we have, especially in our adolescent years, is the struggle to choose a path knowing that we have to give up on all the other paths, and the insecurity and doubt of not knowing whether the path we've chosen is the right path, because we've given up on the others. But as Miyazaki put it, that's what life is. You make a choice, never knowing what the future holds, and hoping that what you've chosen is what's right for you. Then you put your faith in God, and that He will give you what's best for you. That's how we live.

"Today, all of humanity's dreams are cursed somehow. Beautiful yet cursed dreams."

This gave me chills, because I could feel the steel of truth beneath the words. Here, Miyazaki was talking about how people who design planes and stuff with the best intentions, yet those planes are used as tools for industrial civilization, or worse, for war. (watch The Wind Rises and you'll get the war plane reference :P) So even the best intentions and dreams are cursed because they are vulnerable to being polluted and manipulated for the worst purposes and outcomes. Like dynamite, like electricity, heck, like the internet, tools are double-edged swords that can be used for good or evil. It's the curse of humanity, perhaps, as long as we are capable to be good or evil, to forever be caught between these opposing sides.

You hear the phrase "tortured genius", and I wondered why that phrase came into existence. Watching Miyazaki though, I think I understand. His colleagues call him an idealist, that he asks for the impossible from his staff. A genius' talent probably allows them to see a completely different world, and they see how perfection can be achieved. But because we're only human, that perfection will always be just out of reach. Despite reaching great heights far beyond others, they will never be satisfied or happy with it, because they can see what could be, they know there are greater heights. Yet they continue to struggle and strive for it,  and so end up a tortured genius. I'm no genius so I don't know if this is true, but it's what I felt when listening to Miyazaki talk about his work.

Ok, my feverish ravings will stop here. Just some thoughts I wanted to share. Now I shall go have a cup of tea while I contemplate these pearls of wisdom (?) and unravel the ball of jumbled up emotions this documentary has made in me.

Look around you

When you see motes of dust floating in a ray of sunlight, 
does it make you think they're dancing and puts a little smile on your face?

When you look at the night sky and see the millions of stars twinkling at you,
can you feel the entire universe expanding outwards all around you?

When you stand at the top of a summit and see the land stretching endlessly below you, 
does it make you gasp in awe and take your breath away?

When you stare out to the sea and hear the waves crash, 
does it fill your heart with indescribable emotion and make your spirit soar?

When autumn comes and the leaves turn into brilliant shades and fall, 
do you feel inexplicably nostalgic and just a little bit more grown-up?

Because if you feel none of these things, 
   if nature and everything around you 
    don't have any effect on your heart and soul, 
      then the beauty of the world is wasted on you, 
        and you don't know how much you're missing. 

"If then, I were asked for the most important advice I could give, that which I considered the most useful to the men of our century, I should simply say: In the name of God, stop a moment, cease your work, look around you."   
- Leo Tolstoy

Oil and Water

You know how oil and water don't mix?

Oil is less dense than water, so oil will float on top of water. This video demonstrates that very clearly.

We use the analogy of oil and water to describe people or ideas that just cannot get along, to convey that concept that the two things are innately incompatible.
But oil and water can mix. My makeup remover uses this concept to remove my waterproof makeup. All you have to do is shake the bottle hard and for a while, oil and water mixes together and works in harmony to remove my makeup with minimal effort. Pretty impressive for two innately incompatible liquids.

I'm sure you've seen it before too. Petrol spilled on water, creating iridescent colours, like molten rainbow. Again, the contrast between incompatibility and harmony is clear; in fact it is that incompatibility itself creating the beauty and harmonious colours.

I'm sure people are like that too. That's why they say "opposites attract", but perhaps it should also say "opposites complement each other". What is lacking in one is present in the other, and the two opposing nature's working together creates a whole new harmony.

But then again, my sister and I are complete opposites and we fight all the time, so perhaps not all opposites work very well together?

Home Bittersweet Home

When I went back to Malaysia for Easter break, I developed a sun rash, called Polymorphic Light Eruption. It's different from a heat rash, and usually happens when skin is exposed to sunshine after a long period without sun. According to Patient.co.uk, it is "more common in countries with temperate climates."

Considering that I've now been residing in the UK for 4 years, I guess it's not a big surprise that my skin has gotten used to the weather here, and the tropical sun of Malaysia was enough of a shock that my immune system panicked and caused a red and extremely itchy rash on my exposed hands and feet. Yes, it should not be a surprise.

However, what surprised me was the feeling of betrayal, and of not belonging.

I felt that my body has betrayed my homeland, how it treated the sun that warmed me all those years growing up, as an enemy, as a stranger. I felt that my skin has betrayed me, by being more comfortable in a foreign land than in the land I was born and bred in. 

I felt like I no longer belong in my skin; my skin no longer belonged in my home. The discordance and dissonance between my physical being and my emotional state tortured me more than the constant itch of my raw red hands and feet. The sense of rejection by the skies of my childhood was more painful than the scores my nails made in my traitorous skin.

It's the little things like this that make me feel like a stranger in my own home. That new shopping mall where there used to be just empty space, the restaurant that's now my family favourite that I've never heard of, that street stall that was a fixture in the neighbourhood but no longer there, that relative who passed away but I was never told. Little things that are splinters in my heart, small but persistent, so difficult to dig out, running through my veins.

Going home can be a bittersweet experience. But it never changes the fact that my heart and my soul always yearns for that place I call home.

"Oh, London is a man's town, there's power in the air;
And Paris is a woman's town, with flowers in her hair;
And it's sweet to dream in Venice, and it's great to study Rome;But when it comes to living there is no place like home.”  

-Henry Van Dyke

Single is Sin

Ahh, there it is again.

"You're still single?" The surprised look.

"So, have you got a boyfriend yet?" The expectant tone.

"Any good news?" The teasing question.

"There really isn't anyone you're interested in?" The disbelieving expression.

"You're just too picky. Your standards are way too high." The insensitive reply.

"You've gotta go out and meet people, socialize and mix around. You're not going to meet anyone if you don't put in some effort." The carelessly thrown advice.

"Maybe guys are just intimidated by you, you're so accomplished." The attempts to console, backfiring.

Is being single such a sin? Heck, I'm only 24. Still a student, barely out of the cocoon of childhood, the wings of adulthood still barely unfurled.

I don't even know myself well, how am I supposed to know another human being enough to trust and give them my all? 

I'm a stranger still to myself, how do I find another stranger and become intimate? 

If falling in love means letting someone in, how do I do that when I still can't find the door to my own heart?

I know the questions are well meaning, the teasing and the jokes merely good-natured fun, and their concern (that because I am single I am lonely) is only because they care.  Still, it makes me feel like I've failed somehow by being single; that my failure in finding someone to love and to love me back is a sign that there is something wrong with me. Perhaps there is, I don't know. Perhaps the fault lies with me, and I have to fix it so people will stop being worried and I can fulfill their expectations.

But that's not right. I shouldn't be trying to find someone to love for reasons like that. Shouldn't love come naturally, like a bolt out of the blue, or like the gentle swell of a wave, or is that another lie spread by movies and novels? 

Well if it's a lie, at least I know this must be true: that love should not be for anyone else's sake. 

Love should be because your heart couldn't help but fall, not because that person fulfills all the criteria on your list, or because people around expect you to be with someone, anyone. Love should be " not just because you can see yourself with them, but because you can't imagine your life without them."  I want my love to be for that reason, and that reason alone. 

If that means I have to be single for a bit longer, and endure the barrage of questions and advice for a bit longer, and continue my awkward attempts at finding "the one", I don't mind. If the reasons and the person is right for me, that's when it'll be the right time for me too. And that's all that matters. *smile*

A wise fool

The professor asked: "Does anyone NOT know the answer to this question?" 

I raised my hand. 

I was the only one who did. Everyone else stared; I heard a few snickering. 

I kept my hand straight in the air, and my head held high. The professor sneered and said:"Why do you look so proud to be the only one who doesn't know?" 

I answered: "I am not ashamed to be ignorant because I have the courage to seek knowledge. I pity those who are ignorant and remain so out of shame, and I pray that God may give courage to them. I pray that God bless those who are knowledgeable and give such knowledge to others freely just because they wish others to be knowledgeable too. And most of all, I pray that God forgive those who are knowledgeable, yet they look down upon the ignorant who wish to learn, and take foolish pride in their knowledge."

Silence reigned in the room.

"A fool thinks himself to be wise, but a wise man knows himself to be a fool." -William Shakespeare

Tinted Glasses

I wish i could see myself from outside myself, to see what i look like from other people's eyes. But then, I would still be me, and I would judge me based on my own biases, which won't help. 

To truly know what other people think of me when they see me, I would need to see not just through their eyes, but through their minds: through their beliefs,biases,principles,experiences and standards. 

Only then I can truly know what they see when they see me. 

It's a scary thought at times, and makes me want to hide, because I fear what they may see. But then again, God sees me always, and sees me as I am. That can be the scariest thought of all, and could be the best thought of all. 

Lonely Imaginations

I always thank my imagination for keeping me company when I'm travelling alone. It makes even the mundane feel magical.

Going through a long dark tunnel in a train makes me feel like I'm floating in the darkness of outer space heading towards an unknown galaxy, like in Miyazawa's book "Night on the Galactic Railroad".

Being the only one awake in a bus (along with the driver, I hope :P) while everyone is asleep reminds me of a scene in an anime I once saw where an entire city fell asleep and only the heroes were awake fighting the enemy, and makes me feel like one of the heroes.

Watching the scenery go by while listening to the soundtrack song from a drama I love brings back my favourite scenes in my head, like my own personal TV running in my mind, putting a smile on my lips.

So as Kelly Clarkson's song says, "Doesn't mean I'm lonely when I'm alone"

On another note about loneliness:

Why do people get lonely? Because there is someone whose company they love and yearn for more than their own company. If there is no such person, then you don't get lonely. Theoretically speaking.

“Nobody likes being alone that much. I don't go out of my way to make friends, that's all. It just leads to disappointment. ”
― Haruki Murakami (one of my favourite authors) in Norwegian Wood

mile emoticon

Reflection turns to Shadow

Today I was your mirror. I was the reflection of everything you did. 
We left our houses, locked the door.
You jangled your keys, and I put mine in my pocket. 
You took out your white earphones, I took out my black ones. 
We put them on at the same time, 
and when we noticed our 'reflections' 
of each other 
on the opposite sides of the street,
we glanced at each other. 

You dropped your pen, we both stopped.
You picked it up and looked at me again, 
then continued walking. 
I let you walk in front of me, slightly embarrassed. 

Now I became your shadow. 
You ran across the road to catch the green light, 
I ran close behind your heels. 
You walked swiftly, but glanced back 
and saw me still behind you. 
Did you notice me becoming your shadow? 

We walked all the way to the same building, 
such a coincidence that I couldn't believe it. 
And then we went our separate ways. 

For 10 minutes of my life, 
I was aware of your existence, 
and you existed in my thoughts, 
and you mattered to me. 

Was it the same for you, Mr Stranger?

Not strangers, yet we walked alone

I didn't run to catch up to you. You didn't stop and wait for me to catch up to you. And so we both walked apart from each other, one ahead, one behind, silently. Even though we were walking the same way, towards the same destination, we walked alone. Was it my fault? was it yours? Or were both of us at fault? I don't know. All I know was that there were two of us, and we were not strangers, yet we walked alone.