Shell

If I'm keep myself to myself, I wouldn't feel disappointed when no one cares.

If I stay alone, I wouldn't expect to have friends come to see me or find me. If I don't talk to anyone, I won't expect to have someone talking back to me.

Or need to find someone to talk to who actually listens and wants to know.

If I don't care about anyone, I wouldn't get hurt or disappointed when they don't care for me back.

If I don't have anyone to care for, I wouldn't need to keep thinking and squeezing my brain and heart trying to figure out what they want from me,
did I do something wrong,
what should I do to keep them by my side,
how can I make them like me why don't they like me are they just being nice when they don't really like me i have to stop these thoughts they're nonsense i can't stop it they drive me mad keep me up at night i should

Stop.

I'll stay in my shell. My comfortable, safe shell where I can hide my heart, not have any expectations and never be disappointed and hurt. I won't be happy, but at least I won't be sad. Maybe that's the best I can hope for.

Until I find a better place for me.

It's my fault I'm lonely

Whenever I feel lonely, I find that most of the time it's my fault.

It's my fault for not leaving the comfort of my room to go talk to my friends.

It's my fault for preferring to watch videos on my laptop instead of going out with the girls.

It's my fault for not making more friends.

It's my fault for not being more friendly and approachable.

It's my fault that people don't approach me to be friends. 

It's my fault that my friends don't really want or seek my company.

It's my fault that people don't invite me out for gatherings.

It's my fault for thinking being with people will make me feel less lonely.

It's my fault for thinking that having loads of friends means I'll never be lonely.

Because everyone is lonely.
But I am never alone. 

God is always with me. 
And it's my fault for not remembering that sometimes. 

Which is why I get lonely.