Setting my heart free

Recently, I’ve become easily moved to tears.  I’ve never been particularly tough, nor a cry-baby, just average emotionally. I do think that I used to be a bit cold though; unlike my mother and my sister, I was never the type to allow my emotions to rule my actions and decisions. Logic was my guiding compass, and mind over heart was how I thought a sensible mature person should live their life. I never got so angry I’d throw a tantrum or slam doors; I never fell so head over heels that I was blinded to someone’s flaws. But I’m not heartless: I’ve been excited and crazy happy loads of times, and upset and sad to tears many times too. But at the end of the day I was always able to calmly and objectively analyse my feelings, like there’s another me inside my head, detached from my emotions. And that voice of reason always helped me sort through my emotions, and make clear logical decisions that aren’t swayed by the tossing and turnings of my restless heart. I rule my heart with this ruthless iron grip of reasoning.

There’s one facet of my life that isn’t governed by that calm logic though: when it comes to my other reality, my faucet of emotions is opened full flow. My other reality, my world of books, movies, music and anime, is a world where I’m free to let my unruly heart go all out and indulge in every shade of sensation, from delight to rage to utter despair.  In return for the shackles I put on myself in my own life, I let all my walls go down in my imaginary world. I laugh heartily at the top of my voice at the jokes, I cry rivers when something sad or touching happens. Once, I was sobbing so hard and gasping for air, that my housemate came running in from her room and barged into my room because she thought something terrible must have happened. She was not amused when it turned out to be just because of an anime movie. On the other hand, I was feeling so sad saying farewell to a very good friend when I left the UK, but no tears came.  That’s just how I am, and I never thought there’s anything wrong with that.

I’m like that when I’m in love too. Not that I’ve ever been properly in love, at least not how I think being “in love” should be like. When I develop feelings for someone, I’m always aware of it. My mind would carefully watch the person I’m interested in, dissect my feelings to pinpoint why exactly I feel for this person. I would observe and analyse the person’s every action, every word, and read into everything like a detective. Of course, I’d try and gauge whether the person has feelings for me too.  I’d put together a profile, and see only the bits that I like and approve of. But once I feel that the person is not interested in me (whether it’s true or not, I do not know), and the person might have guessed my feelings for him (whether they really have guessed, I do not know), I back off. I didn’t want to look desperate, or be the one to chase the guy. My voice of reason would start zeroing on why this person is wrong for me, on the bits that I don’t like. And I always manage to find something that disappoints me, so I can convince my heart to give up, clear out and move on. I cut all ties with the person; avoid all contact to allow my heart to forget as fast as possible. This system has worked very well over the years, and I have never been rejected (neither have I ever been the first to confess my feelings) nor have I ever been heartbroken. I have successfully protected my fragile heart. I have also never been in a serious relationship ever in my life.

There was a time that I considered never falling in love and never marrying. I reasoned that, since I’ve never found someone I wanted to marry that is equally interested in marrying me, flying solo is the only option.  I never wanted to settle; “settling” was a dirty word to me that meant giving up my standards and lowering my self-worth just to fill my loneliness and fulfill people’s expectations. I knew exactly what I wanted from my future spouse, and I also held myself in high esteem, and wanted someone who is my equal. If being with someone is not going to give me a better life and future than being alone, that person is not worth it. I don’t mean this financially only. I want someone who enriches my life and inspires me to become a better version of myself, and I him. That’s the only way the whole would be greater than the sum of its parts. That’s the kind of man I want to marry. I’ve met only one man who I thought I would like to marry, and he’s now married to someone else.  I’ve met many guys who I would love to date, but never to marry. And that, I told myself, is the only reason I’m still single. I just haven’t met the right man yet. It’s not my fault at all, there’s nothing wrong with me.

But of course after so many years, I started doubting myself. Maybe, just maybe, there is something wrong with me? Maybe I’m the only one who can’t see it? Maybe I‘m the one doing it all wrong? I started thinking that maybe I should do things differently. Be more proactive, like my dad said. Meet new people, like my teacher said. So I did all the things I thought I would never do. I installed Tinder, proactively approached guys, talked to them. I became more open with my feelings, more honest about it. It didn’t work. I cringed inwardly at the conversations I forced myself to have, I felt nothing at all develop, not even friendship. This phase lasted only a month.  And it drained me. So I learned my lesson, and I decided to just follow the flow till I meet the right guy. 

Out of nowhere, from a random conversation, I started having feelings for someone. Someone I knew before, as just an acquaintance. “Just an acquaintance” slowly changed to a friend I enjoyed talking to, and I looked forward to any opportunity to strike up a conversation. But my logical brain was always analyzing, and decided that if I was the one always initiating contact, it means he obviously isn’t interested in me. Time to pack up and move on. Only this time, I hesitated. Giving myself the excuse that it was too early to tell, I kept going. Then, one conversation led me to realize that he has feelings for someone else. I actually wished him luck, and told him that I’m sure his love will come true. That was when my heart broke.

But I guess I really have changed. Even when I know there’s no hope for me, I’m still in love. My voice of reason is unable to shut my heart down anymore. I’ve learnt to live in the present, you see. I’ve learnt to enjoy being in love, the little heartflip of joy I get every time I talk to him, the waiting and constantly checking my phone for messages. Even when my heartbroken tears fell, a part of me was delighted that I finally can love enough to actually cry. So this time, I’m going to let my heart do as it likes. I’ll talk to him when I want to, cry when I feel sad, enjoy the happiness of a replied text, and let this feeling reach its own natural end. I will love with no expectations of being loved in return, and let my heart tire of being thrown around by the rollercoaster of emotions. Eventually, I’m sure this too will pass. But my heart will not be the same, having been broken and healed; I will not be the same, having loved freely for once. Truly, every experience we have is from God, and everything happens for a reason. I will grow from this, so that someday I can love better.